That Coffee Was Lukewarm at best
Sunday. The day of rest. A day of the Prosecco headached Facebook routines of "Where's the best Sunday dinner delivery?" and quotes about it being 5'oclock somewhere in front of a sepia picture of Marilyn Monroe. Sunday clubs, accumulators, walks in overpriced National Trust sites and Maureen from Stockport averaging a 6 for her Come Dine With Me night because although her entertainment was good, her homemade basil ice cream didn't set. This is the way it has, should and will be until the imminent day we are set on fire by a powerful reality star turn sex predator. I want jokes on twitter about Harry Kane's slobbering chin or related information regarding the similarity in height between Charizard and Beyonce. I do not require Alex Jones's sporadically furry nipples.
Once more we have been allowed to dip our toes into the gay frog infested waters that is the existence of right-wing romancer, conspiracy theorist and all-round fucking batshit skin silhouette Alex Jones. He is almost a convincing human shot out a glitch in the matrix to fill the ham shaped right-wing media void we don't deserve. Despite spreading hate and selling expensive pharmaceutical products for a living he looks like he has been put together with sellotape, pipe cleaners and gammon. But probably the most dangerous gammon I've witnessed.
I've been promising myself over the last year or so to keep more of an open mind when it comes to opposing political views, mainly to avoid awkward Wednesday afternoons at my grandparent's where it's cooler to say cunt than Corbyn. But this guy is heinous. He isn't just your average drunk uncle at a wedding who displays shades of aubergine when discussing anything about immigration or 'the loony left'. This chap is much more calculated. This chap is the face of the right, spreading lies and fear in the hope you will buy something. It is almost that simple. He is Trump's Purple Princess.
His 4-hour long weekly show on the self-described "#1 Independent Liberty Show in the World"; Infowars is where you will have most likely have witnessed his frenzied hyperbole. It's difficult to sufficiently put into words how ludicrous his ideas are and even more ludicrous how sensible he believes such to be. He speaks with absolute conviction that after too long you actually start questioning yourself. I've experienced first-hand how intoxicating it could be to catch the sugar-laden conspiracy virus that helps Jones to gain the traction of 6 million people each week. I have friends who have perhaps wandered through the forest of too much weed and too many Netflix documentaries that they have automatically ordered The Cowspiracy Cookbook. It's seemingly laughable David Icke puns eventually shared across a cheese board and then brushed off as whimsy. A light-hearted slice of escapism away from the usual everyday experiences of that annoyingly loud woman who is always on your bus and VLOOKUP's.
But Jones is anything but light-hearted. If anything, I have him odds on my deadpool considering it looks like he has been going through a heart attack in slow motion for the last decade. He is a calculated cluster of angry atoms asking you to line his pockets by selling you 'anti-cancer' chicken milkshakes and wet wipes. The Alex Jones Show has once even been described as the QVC for conspiracy. His foaming tantrum targets take the usual forms of his peers. You can include any organism breathing oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide alongside some inanimate objects on this fiery rock aside from:
Most Males
Most White Males
Most Straight White Males
Most White Male Christians
Most White Males with Guns
Some White Males with Naff Hair
Some White Males with Gold Shit
Some White Males in Ill-Fitting Black Shirts
White Males Holding the Right Kind of Flag
Jesus
Some of Jesus's Mates
Sometimes Satan (varies)
If you are none of the above - Congratulations! You have joined Jihad and your son is a gay frog.
So when you are only used to witnessing such a twisted background of brainwash and sludge from Mr Jones usually on a Sunday afternoon, it is wonderful that, amongst a myriad of tweets about the way Gemma Collins says 'Girls', an opportunity arose to witness him with a shirt on a least, losing his shit and ending up damp and we damn well embraced it. There are so many nuggets of fuckery in just 3 minutes and 14 seconds that I felt the need to dissect his moments of mania:
THAT RUN. LIKE PROPERLY THAT FUCKING RUN. LIKE THAT RUN ON THE SIMS WHEN YOUR CHARACTER NEEDS TO PISS & YOU'VE LOCKED THEM IN A 12X12 ROOM WITH NO TOILET.
Have you ever seen a specimen go from 0-100 so quickly? Nobody legit runs like this, it's almost subhuman. But by me speculating that he isn't actually human and that he dripped in through a seeping crack in the stratosphere like Ivan Ooze sounds quintessentially Alex Jones but I believe that to understand Alex Jones you must think like Alex Jones. Firstly, the cognitive dynamism he must contain in order for his arms to move like an infected traction engine is like something David Lynch couldn't even muster in narrative. I'm sure he must sleep in a skip of brine at night in order to keep his oblong torso prepared to 'Fight For Freedom'. THIS SHOULD NOT BE PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE.
Secondly - what is he even running in? Is he even wearing socks? One can only assume he once saw a Jewish guy wearing socks and therefore believes that Jewish socks are a false flag operation that will leave society a morally bankrupt, virtue signalling, cat-shit eating, feminised shell. Whatever dude but I have already had to witness your pork scratching udders so I would like to formally decline an invitation to see your flappy trotters after wearing stiff shoes and no socks.
Finally - the double finger point before his gills start working is majestic. Have you ever witnessed a man get so angry like this in real life? I have worked in bars for a number of years and I have felt that peculiar adrenaline when you really don't know what someone is going to do next. This usually ends in "It's not worth it mate!" met with deep, consistent intakes of breath or having to ring the police because a patron has got so shitfaced, had his head kicked in and has now pooed on your parquet floor. That double point is fairly commonplace. The double point and the calm-but-not-really chin scratch. In opposition with the previous viewpoint that he is actually a laboratory lizard, it shows he has some elements of human characteristics by attempting to restrain himself from that run, but like most examples of such,the run cometh. This is usually seen in 'ye dar getting knocked out of his accumulator by one last minute goal' types.
INTELLECTUALLY WHO YOU ARE? I'M YOUR MAMA
The foundations of The United States of America live and die on Yo' Mama. Keep your amendments, constitutions, bills and 'Do You Even Lift Bro?' Eagles - If you're playing the Yo' Mama card THERE ARE NO RULES LEFT. This could go either way at this point - If this works you become a part of the Yo' Mama Elite (See the kid who when asked if he was twelve that he was twelve inches deep in your MOM). You could be described as giving a DANK AF response that YOU WON'T BELIEVE!! on Buzzfeed. But as previously mentioned, 6 million people watch The Alex Jones Show every week. Even if you're getting this right expect a ton of lit bags of shit on your doorstep and a 9/11 was an inside job bumper sticker. It isn't the most damning Yo' Mama granted but when you are playing a game of linguistics with a vindaloo poo you're going to always end up with shit on your hands. That's the funny thing with bigots, they all really fucking love their mam's despite the arrogant bile they pedal.
THE GUY IN THE KHAKI BEANIE WHO KIND OF WANTS TO GET INVOLVED BUT HE'S GOT AN EARLY MEETING, A HOT LATTE AND A CHEESE & TOMATO CROISSANT TO GET TO.
Have you ever had one of those tomato and cheese croissants from Pret A Manger? Like holy balls they are amazing. I know there's only a handful of Pret's in America but if you knew you had the option of that hot piece of hybrid french pastry ass or getting involved in a ruction with a bacon eared Texan ass I know which one I would pick. I don't think Alex Jones really comprehends that these people are on their way to work in order to contribute to society, he genuinely believes that these people have risen from their vapid, one-dimensional slumber with the sole intention of "Crushing Conservative Skulls". In reality they want the buttery flaky sustenance and to get through the working day without train delays, pushy high-street promotion staff or some grown-up gobshite filming himself shouting SLAVE within 10 feet of them.
THE GUY WHO KEEPS FLIPPING ALEX JONES OFF KEEPS FLIPPING ALEX JONES OFF
This is a lesson in why one middle finger flip is sometimes never enough. Add in a wee jig and some Get To Fuck loose arms and you are on to a winner because surely no one saw that run coming. Just some plaid-shirted gaming vlogger who only works in the Lego store ironically, on his way to eat the shit out of some ramen gets such an 'intellectual' heated enough to burn a hole in the thighs of his smart casual jeans. This guy probably has a tattoo of Cartman on his leg and dressed as The Matrix for Halloween once but he got Jones so so pissed off. This guy is a treasure, he performed everything I would like to think I would do if I ever came across such a bum but definitely wouldn't or would probably only do after too many wines. I once told my mother-in-law, after too many wines also, that if I ever saw Tommy Robinson I would spit on his child-like trainers knowing fine well I never would. I would probably just raise a concerned eyebrow and hide in a bin. But backpack guy, upon being called a fake and a fraud, told him to fuck off. So on behalf of many of us, praise to backpack guy and Alex Jones: YOU FUCK OFF.
THAT'S WHY BIPARTISANLY...
He doesn't know what bipartisanly means. NEXT.
THE SHOTS OF THE BACK OF HIS HEAD IN IT'S FULL GLORY. LIKE A CASUALLY COIFFED FRIAR TUCK THAT NONE OF HIS LAME PRODUCTS CAN SAVE
He had his hair cut by Mama June from Here Come's Honey Boo Boo. The Mama June pre-weight loss but post-Sugar Bear, on a plastic chair in her front yard. If his hairline was receding any further it would be classed as pubic hair. What makes an aggressive man wake up each morning, take swig out of a bottle of organic bbq sauce and think YEAH MAN THIS FRO MAN, I DON'T LOOK LIKE PAUL BLART MALL COP. I'm not sure on Paul Blart's political views but I highly doubt he believes that Sandy Hook was a hoax or that Obama is the global head of Al-Qaeda. Although Kevin James I cannot make heads or tails of.
THE LUKEWARM CAFFEINE CARNAGE
The headline act. Of all of this Shakespearean silliness (Tragedy, Romance, Comedy and History rolled into one) this is the final Act. This is the part where DiCaprio drinks poison, Macduff looks smug and there is a man with the head of donkey. "Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once" - Julius Caesar Act 2, Scene 2. When Shakespeare was writing Julius Caesar there was something in him that knew he was writing about the guy who threw coffee at Alex Jones just a mere 418 years yonder. Not only has he poured coffee over him but has then attempted to use his reusable travel thermos as a weapon in battle. It is like something out of Assassin's Creed - Ezio Auditore secret blading a Templar with a flat white. LOOK AT THE SLAVE, LOOK AT THE SLAVE. Even though afterwards there has been talk of this guy being a ex-professional wrestler and rumours it was a set-up but lets just take it for what it is - a moist tit. You know that smell when you go to post office and Here To Help counter lady Jane is quite enjoyable company when trying to weigh your 2nd class recorded asymmetric neon top from Topshop bought in 2009 but her morning latte has made her breathe smell like soil. Imagine him going home and having to wash his once clean shirt, sighing and scooping in Lenor like he is scooping skin matter out of his soul. I don't care how gay you think your fish are, stale coffee stain smell must get you down.
THE LOOK OF A CALCULATED FLAP OF SKIN WHO KNOWS THIS WILL GO VIRAL FOR GOOD AND FOR BAD BUT DOESN'T CARE
Even with me writing about these encounters, I am flexibly meeting Alex Jones's agenda because he is being talked about. By talking about him, I am feeding his need for relevance and need to sell survival food to pay for his false flag Rolex's. Minutes after we all chuckled at a wrinkly ball-head get covered in 'BOILING', 'SCALDING' and 'BURNING' coffee, millions declared war on 'liberal goblins' and began conducting the orchestra with clips describing it as 'Alex Jones Destroys Smack Talking Liberal' and 'Alex Jones Attacked With Boiling Coffee On The Streets Of Seattle'. Alex Jones seems not only relaxed being criticised by his opposition but something his adrenaline desires and craves in order to make money. His presence demands controversy. When celebrities run with such, it probably means they will sell a few more of their biographies on Sunday Brunch, talking about their 'journey'. When you are selling an ideology, the attitudes of the everyday silent or not-so-silent majority becomes immensely malleable.
